Beliefs

Robert E. Horseman, DDS

       Men are most apt to believe what they least understand
                ---Montaigne

     There comes a time in a man's life when he should pause and reflect on his beliefs; a time to reaffirm his values, to reexamine his credo.

     This, then, is a manifesto of my convictions, some of which may be reversed in Appellate Court.

v    I believe there is no justifiable reason entertainment and sports figures should be paid more than the legal minimum wage or union scale, whichever is least.

v    I believe your birthday is no major concern to anyone but yourself and if you insist on retaining any interest in it after age 40, you need professional help.

v    I believe in UFOs and the existence of extra-terrestrials among us, who can be readily identified because in their culture there is no compelling reason to stop at red lights.

v    I believe waitresses in the province of Kurdistan are at a profound disadvantage primarily because there is no equivalent in their language for "There ya go!"

v    I believe all major holidays with exception of Columbus Day were invented, sustained and nourished by Hallmark.  I believe that, without the support of banks and federal and state agencies, major holidays would soon become minor events and finally disappear altogether.

v    I believe if you try and repeatedly fail, it is time to apply the Sour Grapes Theory, which has always worked for me.

v    I believe the painful maturation period experienced by individuals between the ages of 13 and 25 could be attenuated if they were isolated in certain high security areas of the Mojave Desert. Reentry into society would be contingent on their waiver of freedom of choice in dress, behavior and music.

v    I believe the words digital and digitize are not understood by anyone, even the person who coined them and should be expunged from the language.

v    I believe the man who claims he is boss in his own home will lie about other things too.

v    I believe that the only way to learn anything thoroughly is to start at the bottom.  I believe this does not apply to swimming.

v    I believe that work seems like a lot less fun nowadays and fun seems a lot more work.

v    I believe that once you discover that the sun is not your friend, life loses 75% of its meaning.

v    I believe it would be unwise to know the exact composition of whatever they use to flavor popcorn at the movies.

v    I believe that now when I think I'm looking at my reflection in what appears to be one of those marblized mirrors, it probably isn't.

v    I believe that Velcro, Krazy Glue and duct tape are the only things holding our society together. I believe that Fixodent, a late comer, will replace all of the former within 5 years.

v    I believe the reemergence of the cigar into polite society is a retrograde step in civilization on a par with dark glasses at night, cowboy hats without attendant cows and air-kissing.

v    I believe the area of one's body most likely to escape personal scrutiny and grooming without visual aids is the back of the neck.

v     I believe the fact that few, if any, females are ever seen running with the bulls at Pamplona is all the proof women will ever need to win any arguments of gender superiority.

v    I believe that earrings worn by hombres in pirate garb are more sartorially acceptable than those decorating the lobes of guys in Brooks Brothers suits.

v    I believe the square of the hypotenuse is equal to the sum of the squares of the other two sides, but fail to see what difference it makes.

v    I believe that opposites attract, until shortly after marriage when the laws of magnetism are reversed.

v    I believe it is easier to pass an eye through the needle of a camel than to make a silk ear out of a sow's purse.

v    I believe that to a virus, health is a form of disease.

v    I believe germs that show no remorse for the trouble they cause deserve no sympathy or support, even from the ACLU.

v    I believe one of the pleasures of heaven must be a cool pillow on a hot night.

v    I believe that antacid tablets are the M & Ms of my peers.

v    I believe there not as many beautiful women with perfect teeth as the magazines would have us think.