Cost Effective

Robert E. Horseman, DDS

 

To: All Employees

From: The Management

Date: Effective immediately

Subject: New cost-effective procedures

As you are no doubt aware, upper management has embarked on an ambitious program to increase our patient load. This program will be implemented on several fronts:

    [1] A general across the board 25% reduction of fees. To assist the transition from our former UCR fees, we have signed with a selected group of PPO organizations who have volunteered to maintain a strict adherence to the new fee schedule by refusing to pay more than their table of allowances as determined by their skilled and highly remunerated executives.

    [2] The use of disposable items, while arguably laudable in concept, has proven to be financially disastrous. Therefore, starting Monday, their use will be sharply curtailed.

           a. One (1) pair of latex gloves will be issued to each employee at the start of business Monday morning.  It will be each employee's responsibility to maintain her gloves' integrity until the next weekly issue. When any given procedure does not require the use of both hands, only one glove will be worn on the appropriate hand. Gloves shall be washed between patients using a generic soap and waved about vigorously in open sunlight for 30 seconds, allowing ultraviolet and cosmic rays to render them semi-sterile. Careless glove maintenance requiring the use of duct tape will be penalized according to the demerit schedule issued previously.

    b. Facial tissues and patient bibs account for 36% of the office's supply budget. Effective immediately, female patients will be instructed to remove any lipstick or gloss before leaving home. Male patients will not be issued tissue as they neither weep nor wear makeup. Both sexes will be instructed in the art of rinsing and made to understand that, anesthesia not withstanding, slobbering on the bib will no longer be tolerated. Proprietary mouthwashes will be made available at a nominal extra charge. Tap water will be provided at no cost other than 18 cents per plastic cup. An estimated savings of $4,500 per quarter will be realized by reusing patient bibs. Assistants with the rank of RDA and below, will hose down used bibs in the parking lot after work and hang them up about the operatories overnight to dry.

    c.  Stone models, previously thrown away, will now be recycled. This is readily accomplished by beating them repeatedly with a blunt object until they are reduced to pieces no larger than 2 mm on a side, then placed in a blender or Cuisinart until reduced once again to powder.

    d.  Current impression and filling materials are no longer cost-effective under Management's new fee schedules. Anything costing $65 for 5 ml of material is patently ridiculous.  Efforts are being directed to replacing these materials with surplus stocks of silicate cement and red base wax, both of which worked well in the past. The criteria for makeovers are being revised upward and will be available during what was formerly the coffee break.

     [3] A recent study by the Bureau of Human Resources confirms our findings that employees are abusing their restroom privileges. This has resulted in the following changes to our Restroom Policy:

     a. As soon as refitting of the restrooms has been accomplished, your ATM card will be required for admission to the facilities. If you anticipate requiring admission under stressful conditions, a PIN consisting of only one (1) digit is suggested. Your card will activate a timer preset for five (5) minutes, an interval the Management deems generous enough for you to complete your business there.

     b. In the event of your further dalliance, the toilet will flush automatically, the stall door will fly open, other amenities will be rendered inoperable and the surveillance camera will take your picture.

     c. The accumulation of ten (10) demerits for Restroom violations will be cause for termination.

     [4]. The installation of vending machines in the reception area is now completed. Service will be provided by Ptomaine Tommy's Fawlty Foods, contract low bidder.  While not mandatory, use of the machines is recommended to enable you to take advantage of the fifteen (15) minute lunch break.