Recent Study
Robert
E. Horseman, DDS
According to a recent study, the phrase "according to a recent study" is seen or heard 76 times more often than "some restrictions apply." The reason for this is because the Bureau of Recent Studies has more media clout than the American Academy of Restrictive Offers. The Academy, bowing to Federal regulations that require disclosure of possible restrictions applying to whatever offer it airs, made a tactical error. It hired a retired tobacco auctioneer, capable of speaking 4,000 words per minute (WPM) to deliver the message. As a result, nobody can understand a word of the restrictions. Listeners, believing they have mistakenly tuned in to a foreign language station, tune out and promptly forget what the original offer was.
The Bureau of Recent Studies, unhampered by governmental regulations, fares better. At any given moment, thousands of individuals and groups, instead of having regular jobs, are conducting studies, the only requirement being that the purpose of the study must be to refute what is already known about the subject. For example, there is no point in conducting a study to confirm that pure water is a good thing. For the study to have any impact, headlines would have to announce that "according to a recent study, pure water can kill you. It lacks an essential ingredient to human longevity, namely, partially hydrolyzed selenium hydrate. PHSH deficiency, according to other recent studies, manifests itself among other things, as diarrhea and inability to switch off the Jerry Springer Show."
At the Bureau of Recent Studies, which acts as a combination think-tank and clearinghouse for operational study groups, persons without any other visible means of support gather to sift through recent contributions. Meeting in secrecy to prevent leaks to Matt Drudge and Hard Copy, the following have been approved for release to the New England Journal of Medicine, Readers Digest and Cosmopolitan:
v Cheeseburgers, contrary to current thinking, are good for you. Studies involving 25 goats ranging in age from four months to ten years, indicate the quality of goatishness improved 33% with the introduction of only three cheeseburgers (Burger King Whopper) per day into their regular diet of clinically approved, scientifically formulated goat food.
v The belief that breakfast is the most important meal of the day is fatally flawed. Breakfast primarily consists of these items from the four Major Death Groups: Caffeine, grease, nitrites and any political news in the morning paper emanating from within the Washington Beltway. The source of most caffeine manufactured in this country is ZAP! Inc., a subsidiary of the DieHard Battery Company.
v Fat is good, skinny is good. Most of the deaths occurring today are happening to the in-between people. According to a recent study, 30 pounds overweight is not only OK, but may sustain you during prolonged famines and periodic Biblical locust invasions. Studies suggest that a skinny person seated between two fat persons is 43% more likely to be comfortable in current airline seating configurations and are better prepared to survive the flight, providing they do not eat any of the airline food, especially the peanuts.
v The Flat Earth Society, in a recent study, concludes that the concept of the sun rising in the East and setting in the West is erroneous. East of what? West of what? it asks. Citing confusion over True North and Magnetic North, Deep South and so-called Antarctica, the study recommends these terms be stricken from geography texts and monitored carefully by parents whose children have access to the Internet.
v Gravity, according to a recent study, is not a constant and unchanging factor. Studies now show that gravity is a personal phenomenon based on age, not magnetism, the Corealis Force or the intrinsic worth of something about to be shattered by dropping to a tile floor. Experiments measuring the length of time it takes elderly persons and young children to pop out of bed in the morning, even though both are acted upon by the same gravity force, prove that age is the prime factor. This was later confirmed by stair climbing in a specially constructed 50 story stair-climbing facility funded by a Federal grant. In order to isolate the gravity experiment from the possible error induced by air resistance, this study was conducted in a vacuum. Many of the elderly people did not make it to the second story, whereas the children easily got to the 25th floor before demanding to know if they were there yet and announcing they had to go to the toilet.
v Because the brain, unlike the body, requires no sleep, it tends to wear itself out earlier than, say, nasal mucous glands, often working throughout the night fretting about things better forgotten or postponed until later next month. Many owners of these worn-out brains continue to function physically for many years, holding public offices, driving automobiles and breeding. According to recent studies, it may be possible in a few years to suspend all nightly brain-wave activity, as many teenagers are able to do already during their waking hours. Reactivation of the cerebral cortex is accomplished by 4 ounces of espresso orally, or incorporated in glycerin suppositories. Some restrictions may apply.
Originally published in the Journal of the California Dental Association, 10/98.