Celebrities

Robert E. Horseman, DDS  

    If you, Joe or Josephine Doakes, DDS consider that the most note- worthy thing you've done so far in your life was to wean successfully, the term Clipping Service means little to you. But to celebrities of every stripe, their clipping service provides the tangible proof they need on a daily basis that their existence and importance in this world is not to be denied.

     Every time Madonna's, say, or Pete Rose's name appears in print anywhere in the world, whether it's newspapers, magazines, cereal boxes or milk cartons, a clipping service somewhere busies itself cutting out the reference and assembling the collected verbiage for their client.

    That's how it's done; you subscribe to the service, it scans printed material looking for your name, then collects and forwards the stuff to you. You can then use it for whatever purpose you like. A bale of clippings can boost your morale, convince somebody who needs convincing that you're the luminary you claim to be and pad out your resume or paper your bathroom. Genuine celebrities whose names are legend and are mentioned almost daily in a thousand places can probably eschew this ego-massaging, but to a wannabe on the way up, it's heady stuff, a confirmation of their elevation from obscurity.

     Clipping services not only cater to individuals, but to groups or categories as well. For example, Eskimos who are into quilt-making could undoubtedly subscribe and collect all references to Eskimo quilt-making providing the service was paid for in U.S. dollars, not frozen fish. There's even a clipping service for the category of dentists. These dental clips are usually little tidbits useful for inserting at the end of columns where the text of the feature article doesn't quite reach the end of the page. These are enjoyed by people with short attention spans and double-digit IQs. Here are some gleanings from this month's clippings:

     * NEGATIVE RESULTS: Dentist Serge Hiliter of Laverne, Nebraska recently displayed 14,902 dental x-rays he had collected over the years, none of which he could identify.  "If you don't put a name on 'em right away," he explained, "after a couple of years they all begin to look the same."  Laverne residents were invited to stop by and attempt to pick out their own films.  (AP)...If this goes well, patients will be encouraged to find their own charts in his filing system.

     * EXODONTIA, SEXODONTIA: During the course of his forty-eight year dental practice in Calcutta, Dr. Krishna Bhatty collected nearly four tons of extracted teeth.  These were becoming a serious storage problem until he conceived the idea of suggesting to news media that once ground up into a powder, the teeth had certain medicinal properties, not the least of which were aphrodisiac. Within 24 hours, the entire lot had been stolen.  (Reuters)...It's an ill wind....

     * WAIT WATCHERS: Due to a loophole in state law, patients missing five or more appointments in Georgia cannot be prosecuted.  This is considered double jeopardy inasmuch as they are already eligible for the death penalty for being more than fifteen minutes late for appointments. (UP)...Imagine not responding to a recall card!

     * AND NOTHING BUT THE TOOTH: Residents of the vegetarian commune of Nomeat, Alaska have voted to relax the requirement that law enforcement officers must have at least two opposing teeth to be eligible for employment. Town Council members pointed out that since the main diet of the commune consisted of tofu and creamed turnips, anything in excess of one tooth could be considered redundant. (AP)...As long as they can still put the bite on the crooks.

     * ARMAMENT-ARIUM: Dentists in Texas, like other citizens there, are now able to carry concealed weapons under new laws. The Texas Dental Association has cautioned members to avoid the words "shot," "shoot," "cartridge" and "automatic" when treating patients. (AP)...Also "stick 'em up" and "give me your wallet".

     * AND DOT'S DOT: The Eastman Kodak Company of Rochester, NY has been unsuccessful in its attempt to mediate a crisis with its dental x-ray customers. Particularly irate is a growing group throughout the continental United States that insists films should be viewed with the dimple toward the viewer. Equally adamant is a somewhat larger contingent arguing that the dimple be viewed away from the viewer. Eastman's compromise offer to eliminate the dimple altogether pleased neither camp. (UP)...By the way, where's the colored x-rays they promised us?

     * POLARIZATION HARD TO BEAR: Pedodontist Angela Papadailisch of Churchill, Manitoba has an unusual problem and has appealed to the Canadian Department of Health Services for relief.  

       Dr. Papadailish's shingle plainly states that her practice is limited to children, teenagers, young adults and people. But every year during the annual polar bear migration passing through Churchill to the Hudson Bay she has a busyness problem of mean proportions. It seems that the bears are continually breaking their teeth while foraging among the garbage cans and dumpsters on the edge of town.

     Animal rights activists have pressured the Churchill dentist to treat these ursine emergencies, but Coca Cola, which has a contract with many of the bears to star in their commercials, refuses to pay for any restorative or even palliative treatment. The Canadian National Health Plan denies responsibility and the citizens of Churchill refuse to come outdoors to discuss the matter. (Reuters)...Wouldn't you?

     * NADER DEMANDS RECALL: A study just concluded by Johns Hopkins indicates that teeth are a huge genetic mistake and are on their way out. Evolution will eventually do away with teeth entirely, the study reports, much as human tails have disappeared. Researchers whose investment portfolios were heavily loaded with dental hygiene products have been quietly dumping their holdings except for dental adhesives which are seeing a bull market. (AP)...A word to the wise.